Israel Takes Pivotal Step Toward Peace!!

In light of Goldstone's backtracking of his discoveries in the fact-finding report filed after the Gaza war in 08/09 in which he accused Israel and Hamas of committing war crimes and for a full investigation by either sides on the issue, Israel initially accepted Goldstone's remarks and gloated to the international community that it was unshakable in its faith of being a peace-loving country with the most moral army in the world.

This morning however, Prime Minister Netanyahu addressed the Knesset in a rousing speech in which he condemned Goldstone's wavering of the mind, calling it one of the "calamities strongly driven to besmirch Israel's name through something equivalent to Alan Horowitz 's inciting perorations" and vowed to personally appoint a human rights investigative team to rebuke Goldstone's weak and contradictory op-ed in The Washington Post. His comments were received by shock and outrage, with foreign minister Avigdor Lieberman attributing Netanyahu's abnormal parley as a result of the convening of thuggish Palestinian infiltrators with menacing demeanors on Netanyahu's house. Lieberman did not bother to explicate further, as he kept up Israel's salutary tradition to blame Palestinians for any of their misfortunes without procuring the necessary evidence.

In true Ben Ali/Mubarak/Saleh fashion, Netanyahu then dismissed his whole cabinet and promised to instate a more secular rational government in its place no later than Wednesday, as he recognized that the current--now former--cabinet was not intent on peace. Verging on despotism, Netanyahu overruled the Jerusalem city council's decision to construct a thousand more homes in East Jerusalem for settlers, called for the dismantling of 50 percent of the settlements in the West Bank and Jordan Valley, and announced that he will dedicate his life to foster a breaking down of impressions between Israelis and Palestinians, which he hoped, will "lead to a just and peaceful bi-national state called Israfil." Saeb Erekat objected to this proposition, and demanded that the state be called "Falasrael".

Netanyahu's statements fired the fear in many of Israel's citizens, as protests starting from Har Homa and later escalating in all parts of the country called for the hanging of the prime minister. UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon was left bemused at his press conference in front of a mock-up Sderot-like bomb shelter in New York, and called this a "dangerous state of discourse" for Israel. The PA's Abbashole was reportedly witnessed driving a stake through his heart, after wailing in front of a life sized portrait of Netanyahu for much of the afternoon. Palestinian and Israeli leftist youth met at Qalandia checkpoint, with Rami Essa whipping the crowd into a positive frenzy in an Egyptian rendition of "Kumbaya".

And that, folks, is what we call Tell a Lie Day.