Monday, April 19, 2010

Pole Dancing is Empowering

It makes women feel powerful, it makes them feel respected, it makes them feel like they're on top, it makes them feel mighty, paramount, commanding, competent, dynamic! What kind of hashish has the Cambridge Union Society been smoking? They are offering their female students a pole dancing class to make them view themselves as compelling and accomplished women. Now, we are not going to be judgmental just because the words 'pole dancing' are thrown about so we will just expand our tightly stretched open-mindedness an inch more and accept the fact that POLE DANCING IS A DEMEANING AND DEGRADING MATTER!! It incapacitates the long arduous feminist struggle of forcing the world to view women as able-minded creatures who are more than boobs and bootys and can take their place in the world side by side with men! (Actually, feminists work to put women ahead of men..."it's not fair we have to bear kids and juggle motherhood with a career! Men should be the ones who get pregnant!") People, strippers do not enjoy their work! They hate performing, night after night, the sexy routines for married, stressed, and hornified businessmen, politicians, deadbeats, wasters, loners, losers, college boys, etc. Do not be fooled by their commercialized image on movie screens, where they are depicted as hot little mamas who dance the night away for a thousand bucks who eventually fall for the casino boss or a mobster's best friend! Pole dancing is only empowering to scary girls with men's voices who implore to be slapped, just like Miley Disturbing Cyrus. Women, by all means, do embrace your sexuality, there's nothing wrong with that! But there are means of embracing sexuality in non-belittling ways! Dear Lord, there are a thousand ways to make women feel empowered, and this is definitely not one of them. However, the spokesWOMAN of the Cambridge Union Society begs to differ:
"We are of the opinion that classes like these are a way of empowering women… if an intelligent, independent woman wishes to learn a particular form of dance in respectable surroundings we see nothing degrading in that."

What about stupid thick-headed women? Will it be empowering for them? And why oh why does it have to be THIS form of dancing? Why not...crunk? It's more heavier than hip hop! And ballet...does it not empower women? Standing on their bleeding toes and leaping up in the air and twirling around majestically sounds empowering! And exhausting...and bulimic..oh ok. Women who see nothing wrong with this will argue that pole dancing is just a fun and different way to get fit and meet new girlfriends. Well! Pole dancing did not originate from the need to make new friends and to get washboard abs now did it..Pole dancing has always served as a way to objectify women as well as an exploitation of labor. Look at us, we sound like feminists God forbid. But this isn't about equal rights between the two sexes or whatever, it's about slapping a few heads to make them see reason and to abstain from romanticizing pole dancing. Silly news. Next they'll be projecting that prostitution prepares one for motherhood 78% more than monogamy simply because the mother to be undertaking prostitution will feel a deep empty unfulfilled need in her psyche from all the gauging penises afflicted on her delicate soul, and that that emptiness will morph into desperate yet supreme unconditional love and attachment to the future baby.

Alternatives to Empower Women
  • Castrate men and laugh at them..Make eunuchs out of men! Oooh catchy!
  • Have a lot of people who love you..that way, they can watch the kids while women can go out and kick the world's ass!
  • Use their own children against their spouses..oh wait..already been done
  • Stop the clingy dependency on males (50/50 girls!)
  • Watch Femme Fatale on a loop
  • Use biologically natural and not computer enhanced women on billboards
  • Substitute insecurity with rage
  • Have a Creole Lady Marmalade theme party every week

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